Get Me The F*** Out of Milpitas!

Last week, I had the incredible opportunity to interview Adam Lambert- again.

It came out of nowhere and was very last minute, as he had an appearance at Google and was only in the Bay Area 24 hours. He was doing radio the following morning, and we were the only ones granted on-camera access that night. It was amazing. Adam is one of those people who’s energy is so infectious, you wish you could bottle it up and take it around with you daily. He is so passionate about life. Incredibly gifted, down to earth, funny, and just good people. We would all marry him if we could!

In the interview, we discussed his new album, “Trespassing”, relationships, juicing, and his future plans. Also….if you’re confused with my “tunic” comment at the end, I’d mentioned to him off-camera that I was self-conscious about my weight, and my life has basically turned into “a giant tunic top.” He laughed and I said, “life is a tunic!” and somehow, he remembered that and quoted it at the end of the interview. Enjoy!

Housewives, healthy-people, and neat-freaks: I need your help.

Soon, I will be moving. “But why haven’t you already moved, Sandy?” Simmer down, judgey. It’s not that simple. Yes, I got out of debt last summer. Then, I saved some money so I wouldn’t go into debt again. Then, I had several job relocation possibilities that complicated things (my company was aware and extremely supportive) and then, the holidays happened.

So here I am. Buying things for a kitchen I don’t have and an apartment I don’t live in. But come on- aren’t they adorable?

Matching “mug” bowl and plate from of Castello di Amorosa, Napa. Hand-painted olive-oil dispenser from V. Sattui, Napa.

Having my own place isn’t just a “finally-leaving-Milpitas-and-being-on-my-own” fantasy. It’s the freedom and peace of mind to finally focus on my health. I want get back to a place where I feel in control. Where I can stop hating my body, being self-conscious, and making smarter decisions. I want to feel young again. Living at home makes this nearly impossible. I know, ultimately, I am the one who’s responsible for what I eat/don’t eat, what exercise I do/don’t do, etc. But to be perfectly honest with you…..when I’m home, I just don’t care. I don’t see a reason to care.

That being said, I’ll let you in on another fear of mine: the kitchen. I don’t cook. I can make sandwiches, and a few things from Trader Joe’s. Once I made a couscous recipe from the back of a box (with chicken, basil leaves, chopped peppers, etc) and I felt like fucking Emeril Lagasse. And even when I do “cook”, it’s a mess. I think to myself, “How does everyone else seem to know what they’re doing?”

So, to calm my nerves, I’ve written a list of simple questions that I somehow don’t know the answer to, but I’m sure you do. (I even I told my friend about this blog and she straight-up laughed at me.) Any suggestions, links, or advice is appreciated. You can answer here or send an email to: sandy(at)sandystec(dot)com.

* How do I dispose of meats properly?

* What materials are best for cleaning counter tops?

* Should I avoid using sponges all together?

* Can you recommend any natural products to use?

* What fruits are okay out of the fridge and for how long?

* How can I keep my fridge smelling fresh?

* What should I clean the floors with? (I HATED doing this when I lived on my own. Guess I’ll have to get used to it again…)

* How do I keep the trash smelling clean, or odorless?

* Can you leave juices uncovered in the fridge?

* What materials are unsafe and shouldn’t be used in the kitchen?

Additionally, I will take any healthy recipes you have. I have a Weight Watchers food scale and Jack LaLanne juicer sitting in a box at home because there’s no counter-space in the kitchen. But when I move, I’m eager to make these a part of my daily life!

Thanks in advance for your support and suggestions!

Love,

Sandy

Last night was incredible.

It was one of those nights where you look at whoever’s sitting next to you and say, “I can’t believe we’re lucky enough to be here right now.”

I was at the Throckmorton Theatre in Mill Valley to see Kelly Carlin- George Carlin’s daughter- perform her one-woman show, “A Carlin Home Companion: Life, Love and Laughter with  my Father George.”

I learned of this last minute, on Saturday, and was hesistant on going. Why? Because I’m an asshole, and I’m lazy. Driving 1.5 hours on a Sunday night seemed like a lot. But I decided to go anyway, as I wasn’t sure when I’d have this opportunity again. As fate would have it, I carpooled with my good friend Jeff Applebaum, a comedian I’ve known for 10 years who’s always been by my side. We’ve been wanting to carpool to the Throck for a few months but haven’t been able to coordinate it. And just as life would have it, everything is better when it’s last minute and unplanned.

The car ride was nice. Felt like it was only 15 minutes. We talked about everything, from recent gigs to future gigs, to auditions, fears, and frustrations; to accomplishments and everything in between. It’s nice to have a great person to bounce thoughts off of, especially considering I’ve been really alone in my thoughts lately. And at the risk of sounding redundant, being alone in your thoughts is, well, lonely.

The second we parked the car, I knew it was going to be a special night. Outside of the theatre was Dan Dion- an infamous SF photographer, and Paul Provenza, comedian and host of “The Green Room with Paul Provenza.” He was there to film and support Kelly.

There was a buzz inside, I could feel it. The show was starting in 5 minutes. Robin Williams talked amongst friends, as did Mort Sahl, Mark Pitta, Tom Sawyer, and other comedians. I saw about 5 comedians I knew personally, and that was really nice. The world is a little less lonely when you can commiserate with your own.

At 8:05pm, the show started. I didn’t know what to expect. I’ve never met Kelly, though I’ve only heard amazing things about her. I’ve seen her father twice (in Vegas) read Brain Droppings, and watched a couple HBO specials. Other than that, I’m not a novice. I more thought it was cool to know the only living heir of George Carlin was going to talk openly about her life with him.

Within 45 minutes, I was transported to a place I haven’t been in a long, long time: my heart. God, her vulnerability. And courage. And honesty. I watched her in awe, learning so much not only about her life as a woman and child of George Carlin, but of Carlin himself; as a father, a friend, a comedian, and most importantly, a human. Flaws, outbursts, drugs, fears, and all.

It was heart-breaking and humbling. From her stories of drug experimentation and parenting her parents, to breaking free of Hollywood labels, to dating the wrong guys and finding spirituality, to finding work that redeemed her….what resignated with me most was that throughout it all, she was just a woman who was trying to find herself in this world. As am I.

I watched as her honesty captivated the crowd; with every last detail attatching to any unclaimed heartstring in the room. She had us all in the palm of her hand. And we wanted to be there. Because that’s where the truth was.

And I watched her wallow in it, speak it, relive it, and be in it. And it was beautiful.

Tears fell from eyes. I tried to stop them, but after a while I just didn’t care. I wanted to cry. I needed it. I’ve needed it a lot lately, to be honest. Hearing her truths made me miss my own. I’ve missed feeling like I was connected to something. I’ve missed feeling like I have a purpose. I’ve missed feeling aligned with the Universe. (Hippy speak for “moving up.”) I used to be so focused, so excited about upcoming gigs. I never used to say “I used to be.” I miss “in her element” Sandy. You know, sarcastic. Quick. Focused. Fearless. Creative. Compassionate. And honest.

I haven’t felt that in a long time. But for 2 hours…I did.

Thank you, Kelly.

Here’s my red-carpet interview with Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek for the “Puss in Boots” screening in San Francisco. Enjoy!

Wow. I really felt the love yesterday.

I also felt some indigestion, but that’s another story. It was my 3rd “Leaving Milpitas” show, this time at Bunjo’s Comedy Club in Dublin. I made it a point when getting booked that I really didn’t want to make this show a big deal. I stressed out BIGTIME with my first two shows (making/showing videos at the show gave me severe anxiety) so I said this time, no videos. Just straight comedy.

A few weeks before the show, Psycho Donuts called me. In case you’re unaware, I LOVE them. Their creativity, their uniqueness, and of course, their donuts. We’ve worked together on some fun videos before. We even made a mock “Milpitas” donut with kimchi, seaweed flakes, and other disgusting ingredients. (Purely for shock value.)

After I made my fundraising goal of $10,000 in May, Psycho Donuts offered to make a real Milpitas donut that they would sell in their store for one day only. Well, that day was yesterday. And it was AWESOME.

Chocolate donut, chocolate frosting, chocolate filling. Various bits of “trash” (graham crackers, sprinkles, oreo cookies, etc) on the sides, and a giant “M” on the top. We named it, “The Milpitas Monster.” (Not to disrespect the real “Milpitas Monster”, a movie my high-school teacher, Robert Burrill, made back in 1975!)

I told everyone who bought a donut to send me a picture. I also brought donuts to the show for the audience. Check out the pics!

The “Milpitas Monster”for sale at Psycho Donuts in Campbell!

And….for sale at Psycho Donuts in San Jose! (Thanks, Bill!)

A young girl holds a box of donuts. Milpitas Monster made the cut!

This picture almost made me weep- my friend Jennifer (who I’ve known since childhood) took a picture of her two kids with it!

My friend April is hesitant and artsy at the same time. You RULE!

And Bill…who did an ENTIRE photoshoot and video with the donut. AWESOME!

And low and behold, my friend B.J. got the LAST one!

Thank you guys for sending me those pics!! Now, some from the “Leaving Milpitas” show at Bunjo’s.

Happy couples embrace the donut/diabetes.

An action shot…..who says donuts are limited to one per person?

This was my favorite part of the night. My friends from high school- who I haven’t seen since we graduated- came to the show. I almost cried. It really meant a lot to me to see them there. Thank you guys for the support! (Lawrence, myself, Nasser, Matt and Lynn.)

And of course, a very BIG thank you to my friends and comedians who performed with me that night! Tina, Patrick, and John- thank you!!!

Thank you ALL for supporting me through this journey. I am not leaving Milpitas yet….but I am closer than I’ve ever been. I am forever grateful for the memories I will take with me when I go.

And as always, an extended thank you to the staff of Psycho donuts- Web and Jordan, Chef Ron, and awesome nurses Aleen, Taren, and Dylan. You guys are crazy and creative. Never change.

Okay. Back to the treadmill. I’m starting to feel like this chick. (Taken after the show.)

Love,

Sandy

P.S. Click HERE for a special video of the making of the “Milpitas Monster” donut!

Friday nights are always hard for me.

Most people get excited because it’s the beginning of the weekend. Friday is the first night out of two that you can stay out late, drink, go to the movies, have fun with your friends, etc.  Then, sleep in the next day.

Except I’m on-air every other Saturday, so I really can’t do anything “crazy” on Friday nights. Plus I live in Milpitas. There’s nothing to do there, nobody lives close to me, and there’s certainly no one who will come visit me here. (Truth) Last night I was actually looking forward to being home, as I bought “Eat, Pray, Love” and a bottle of Port from Trader Joe’s. I was ready to relax, drink, and probably bitch-cry.

But for whatever reason, I wasn’t in the mood to watch that movie. So I stayed downstairs for a while, with my parents. And then it dawned on me: it’s Friday night, and I’m watching “Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives” with my parents.”

Is this my life??

Thankfully, I took my frustration straight to Facebook, and asked, “Is there anyone out there doing anything LESS sexy right now?” And holy crap were the responses amazing!

- “I’m watching Say Yes to the Dress, alone, with an occasional tear.” – Teddy

- “I’m converting PDF’s into searchable documents ALONE at work.” -Abby

- “I’m shopping for over the counter gout medication.” -Christopher

- “I’m getting paper towels with my mother in law.” -Paul

- “Eating a pop tart and watching Fashion Police alone.” – Jimmy

- “I’m watching ‘He’s Just not that into You’ with my cats.” -Ron

WOW. Glad to know I’m not alone! Thanks for all  your comments. It really made me laugh.

Click HERE to find me on Facebook!

Sandy

This freaking RULES.

Psycho Donuts will be selling a special “Milpitas Monster” donut for ONE DAY ONLY: Saturday, October 1st, 2011!

Guess what else is happening that day? My “Leaving Milpitas” show at Bunjo’s Comedy Club in Dublin! And…..if you pre-order your tickets by 5pm on Friday, September 30th, you will get a FREE DONUT the night of the show!

Watch this HILARIOUS video for details!

It’s going to be a GREAT show. My hilarious friend- who just performed at the 31st annual “Comedy Day” in San Francisco, Tina Allen, is hosting. Michael Slack- my comedic genius buddy I’m proud to call a friend- is featuring. Hope to see you there!!! Comedy and donuts!!!! Let’s ****ing do this bitches!

Sandy

P.S. The “Milpitas Monster” donut is in no way trying to copy or disrespect Mr. Robert Burrill, my old high school teacher who actually made “The Milpitas Monster” movie in 1975! For reals.

(AND my sandal, but that’s another story.)

Something happened to me yesterday that I didn’t anticipate or expect: I was filled with sadness. It was my last day at Catch a Rising Star in Reno, and I stood next to Thomas Dale (headliner) on the balcony of our pool, crying.

“It’s okay….I understand how you feel, ” he said. “But Sandy, take this feeling and be inspired by it. Because you know you want more. Don’t make it about depression. Make it about motivation.”

GOD I LOVE THIS MAN. Not only is he hysterically funny, but he got to know me better in 6 days than some of my friends have my whole life. We did everything together. We ate. We drank. We went tubing in the Truckee River- twice. We swam. We laughed. We made fun of bums and skanks. We hung out with my parents, who came to visit. And most importantly, we talked about our lives, goals, and dreams.

Oh- and we checked out hot boys. A LOT. We weren’t just kids in a candy store- we were carnivores in a meat-market. (With a mutual love of gangsters. SO HOT.)

                                                  With my life partner, Thomas Dale.

It was my first time performing at Catch a Rising Star, and I was nervous. It’s good to be nervous. You can’t get too comfortable where you’re at or you’ll never grow. We had 8 shows, and by the 8th show, I finally felt like I “got it.” Go figure. 

Did you know it was also PRIDE the same week we were there? Yeah, us either. We didn’t see any gays until the weekend, but we’re blaming it on the convention of 5,000 Vietnam War Vets. Yes, 5,000. They were everywhere.

Luckily, on day 2 of tubing, there was a giant PRIDE festival at the River, and I finally felt like I was with “my people.” I joked with Thomas, because we floated down the river for an hour and a half and literally “landed” under a giant rainbow. It was awesome.

                                        A beautiful day on the River.

        With our wonderful friends, Ashley and Paul. We decided, regardless of our schedules, we’re meeting in Reno during Pride every year. LOVE!

My parents came to visit, which was awesome. When I was younger, we’d come to Reno for bowling tournaments. And I LOVED the idea of being an adult, and gambling in a casino. I also loved the idea of stand-up comedy, but didn’t yet know I wanted to be a comic. 15 years later…..here I am, a comedian, performing and gambling in the same casino we used to visit. Rad.

                                        Mom and Dad, on the Playboy slots. So skanky!

One night I stayed up gambling until 5am in the morning. I felt like a TOTAL junkie. But, I was a junkie that walked away with some bills! And check this shit out- I got 240 free games on this machine! Fucking awesome!

Thomas- I love you. Thank you for everything, especially the motivation and inspiration. One day our marriage (between a gay man and straight woman) will be recognized and legal.

Ashely and Paul- You are just the coolest! So great to meet you guys. Here’s to a lifelong friendship! And Asskickers.

Katina, Justin, Louise, and all my friends who came to see me- thank you so much!! These are the reasons doing comedy is so priceless- you get to catch with people you haven’t seen in a while. Thank you so much for your support!

And Christian, thank you for booking me. I look forward to hearing about your next full meal!

Okay- time to get focused. I mean, really focused. But I think I want a cupcake first…..

Love,

Real World Truckee

I want to say something abou the blog I wrote yesterday.

Or first, I should preface why I wrote the blog in the first place. I was in a really shitty mood, and I wanted to distract myself. My friend said “Do something creative right now. Write a bit, a blog, etc.”

So, I found that youtube clip (which I saw over the weekend) and
tried to find the same anger I felt when I initially saw it. And it just wasn’t there. Now, granted, what I wrote was still pretty pissy. I won’t lie. But in an odd paradox; I don’t feel better for writing it. I actually feel worse.

I don’t take back anything I said, and I still feel very strongly about what I wrote. But what I didn’t feel while writing it or posting it was empowered. And that’s the weird thing about comedy. Everybody draws their inspiration from different sources. What I’ve realized, thoughout this whole “Leaving Milpitas” process , is that my comedy is best when I am at peace with myself. You’d think it would be the opposite. But for me, it’s not. I may say some funny shit when I’m angry, but if that anger gets the best of me, who wins?

I certainly don’t. I remember my 2nd Leaving Milpitas show at the Improv- the first 10 minutes I RIPPED on my parents, who were in the audience. I mean I just spewed hatred towards Milpitas, living at home, all the annoying things they do, etc. And it was awkward. I got laughs, but hesitant laughs; because the audience was worried my parents were offended. And then I was pissed at the audience. I bet you if I did those same jokes now- since I’m in a happier place- they would’ve come across a whole lot better.

Anyway, I’m not going to say there won’t be angry rants in my future, because there will be. All I know is that when I’m writing in that mode; it doesn’t always give me the payoff I hoped it would. Regardless; I want to thank you for reading and your feedback.

Moving forward,

Sandy

I came across this online the other day.

It’s an audio clip from an Opie and Anthony interview, featuring Norm McDonald, Colin Quinn, and Jim Norton.

In it, Norm McDonald is describing how frustrated he is that newer comedians are allowed on roasts. Makes a generic statement that “Hey, there’s a young girl who’s middling attractive and swears a lot!”

(Excessive laughter in booth.)

He goes on. “Sarah Silverman is fucking hysterical. Who’s funnier than her? No one. Except dudes.”

(More laughter.)

“I think she’s fun but these other ladies, they think the whole point is just to be attractive and sucking cock.”

Opie and Anthony chime in and say, “Yeah, they gotta show a lot of leg, wear short skirts, and talk about sucking cock.”

Really? Maybe the problem is you can’t concentrate on her jokes because you’re staring at her VAG the entire time.

Maybe you’re annoyed because she worked with you once and didn’t want to fuck you, so you felt rejected and labeled her “marginally funny.”

Amazing.

Men can talk about their cocks in ALL forms all day. Getting sucked. Getting fucked. Masturbating. How big they are. How small they are, etc.

Yet, if a woman talks about sucking a cock, she’s “hack.”

Oh also, if she talks about emotions, she’s hack.

And if she looks good, she’s “hot” but not funny.

What the FUCK chance do we have, as females, to ever get respect as peers when you judge us so harshy?

Sure, there’s unfunny female comics. There’s also unfunny male comics. There’s just fewer of us so we stand out more. Do you see US talking shit about YOU when you go on-stage looking like a fucking hobo, who hasn’t taken a bath in weeks? Do you see US calling you a “hack” every time you talk about your dick?

Of course not. Because you’re getting laid at the end of night anyway. You should pay your groupies residuals.

Look- we’re not all Sarah Silverman. I’m tired of hearing about how she’s the only female comic that men “respect.” I’m not taking anything away from her and the work she’s done. But I AM saying that there are other successful female comics. Ellen Degeneres. Chelsea Handler. Kathy Griffin. Maria Bamford. Wanda Sykes. Phyllis Diller. Margaret Cho, etc. There is a market out there for everyone. So if the only comic you “respect” is Sarah Silverman, does that mean that all the fans (and networks who employ those women) are also “hack?”

Damn. We’re a hacky nation, aren’t we. Maybe we’ve all been duped.

Enjoy your circle jerk. I’m out.